Feeling sad and disconnected
As I have mentioned in a previous post I broke my upper arm about a month ago. This is not ideal when you have 11 month old twin boys who rely on you for everything. I did all feeds nappy changes and cares by myself day and night bar one. Their daddy would always help with the feed before bedtime as it was the only one he was there for due to work. So breaking my arm has been a major blow. I’m very grateful and lucky to have a very supportive family and at present always have at least one person with me from when hubs goes to work in morning til he gets home at night.
The down side to this is never having any time alone with my boys. Also not being able to visit with my friends and their babies when I want to as it isn’t fair to ask my family to sit through a visit with people they do know know. Plus as you may have guessed I have the tendency to waffle on a bit and my family know this all too well.
I’ve read loads of stories of parents in NICU struggling to bond with their babies due to always being watched and not being able to cuddle their babies when needed or wanted. I always felt very thankful that I wasn’t one of them. Well I wasn’t until now.
I am am right handed and it is my right arm I have broken so even with the biggest will in the world I am unable to do anything for myself. The luxury of washing dressing and even which way to out my hair that day has all been stripped from me and I’m relying on the help of others.
So so you may ask what does this mean for my boys? Well they are still being well cared for its just not by me. I can’t feed them, wash them, play with them or even change a nappy. I always want to cuddle them but need to wait til they are settled and my care giver of the day can place them onto my left side but as soon as they are active they are whipped away from me as it just wouldn’t be safe. I couldn’t catch them if they decided to hurl themselves backwards for example.
After struggling with infertility for 9 years I am well aware that I should just be happy that I have not only one baby but two Trust me, I am deliriously happy however, very selfishly I don’t want to just love them I want them to love me back I want to be their world as they are mine Unfortunately I fear that babies are programmed the same way as my cats, their main aim in life just now is survival so their loyalties lie with whoever feeds and looks after them and I have to say this is breaking my heart. I know all the logical future scenarios of “och the babies won’t remember anything of this and all will go back to normal once you are healed” this does not stop me from being scared that things won’t return to normal and even if they do I still want my boys to look at me the way they used to. Perhaps I am overreacting and their behaviour hasn’t changed towards me at all, I feel it has though and nothing I do shakes that feeling.
I feel I’m done with the days of having to ask permission of whoever is about to cuddle my own boys This whole experience has brought back some horrible memories that were best left buried in my sub-conscious somewhere.
I just miss my boys and selfishly want them back to relying on me Looking into my eyes with that milk drunk look that says “dude, your the best!” And perhaps one of the things that makes me the saddest- being able to snuggle both my boys at the same time and smother them in kisses
For being generally an upbeat person, I have a lot of not only dislike but hatred running through my body. I hate feeling disconnected from my boys, I hate this whole situation it I think most of all I hate myself for being so stupid as to fall in the snow. I mean I live in Scotland for crying out loud, it snows here more often than it rains elsewhere.
Scottish twin preemie mamma