Overwhelming love and fear
I do not co sleep with my boys but hubs and I do lie them in bed with us until they fall asleep then they get very gently transferred into their cot. This nightly ritual usually resembles something a black ops unit would be proud of. I think every parent channels their inner ninja when moving a sleeping baby – now try and imagine moving two!!
Tonight Lewis fell asleep downstairs and my usual elephant footed husband would’ve out danced tinkerbell with his light footed dance steps to get our boy in bed without waking him up. Mr Logan however, had different ideas. As if by magic his eyes opened wide before my husband had even begun his light footed dance. Our night time ritual is one of my favourite times of day. Lying in bed relaxing whilst cuddling our boys and singing some nursery rhymes. We sing the same songs but in different order each night, I would like to say this is because we like to keep it fresh and exciting but more often than not its just because we never remember what comes next. A firm favourite with our boys is alibalibee and row row row your boat. As Logan falls asleep he always needs to be touching you and has this kitten like quality of kneading your hand just as a kitten kneads into the belly of their mother. I don’t know if it is because of those 5 months spent in NICU or whether I would love this as much anyway but seriously my heart swells with love and pride every night.
This one ritual in past weeks has usually eased me of all the guilt and pain I feel over not being able to care for my boys due to my arm but tonight not only did those feelings not go away but they were amplified with fear. Today I found out that tomorrow I will be admitted to our local hospital to undergo an operation on Thursday in which a metal rod will be placed into the middle of the arm bone via my shoulder. This means I pretty much won’t see my boys until Friday and will miss our nightly routine that I have came to love and cherish so much. I miss my boys so much already and the thought of not seeing them for a few days is devastating me. The boys are still feeling under the weather so don’t think taking them into a hospital is the best idea unless they need to be there plus night time visiting falls at a time where my little munchkins will be getting fed and then settled to go to bed..
Both of the bogys got extra kisses and cuddles tonight and I dare say will get even more tomorrow – I know any excuse😄 I worked as a recovery nurse for 12 years and have every trust in the NHS and the procedure itself but this has not stopped the fear and worry seeping into my bones- no pun intended! It is not nice for a nurse to be on the wrong side of that theatre trolley and it’s completely true what they say “a little knowledge is a dangerous thing”
So on that note my lovelies, sleep tight and give your babies extra special kisses and cuddles tonight.
Sottish twin preemie mamma