What you should never say to a twin mum!
I’m not gonna lie. I always wanted twins. It was always something I felt I would do. Be a twin mum. If you look on social media you will see loads of articles directed towards that woman who also wants twins and it gives what they think is helpful hints and tips on how they think the best way to conceive twins is. FYI, there is no science behind claims that different sexual positions or changes in diet will make you more likely to conceive twins. When a stranger approaches you and starts bombarding you with questions you will inevitably get the same questions just worded differently over and over again. To this day, this has never bothered me but by listening to my twin mum peers it seems it can annoy and upset most mums of twins. So it’s probably best just to avoid them all together.
‘I really hope I have twins one day”
By saying this it’s just like you are saying that having twins is a breeze or a walk in the park. This was something before having my boys I never considered. I did want twins and I knew it would be difficult. It never came from a bad malicious place so I assume when strangers say it their intentions are also good. Consider this though. That stranger you approached in the supermarket has just had the night from hell. She has had to play swapsies with her children all night to attend to the baby with the most needs at that time. She has had no sleep and no help with the constant round robin of feeding, changing nappies, changing clothes due to wetness or sickness, singing lullaby’s to help settle baby to sleep. She realises first thing in the morning that she has ran out of essential groceries so attempts to nip out to shops still wearing her own clothes that had been peed on and vomited over. All she wants is to get in and out of the shop as quickly as she possibly can and then you innocently make this remark. This will make that physically and emotionally tired mum feel like she is failing. It should be easy. Everyone wants twins so it can’t be the hard option. Can’t it? Why am I not finding it easier?
‘I know what you mean. I have 2 kids a year apart and it’s just like having twins!’
I think out of all the passing comments strangers have made to me, this has been the only one which really got my back up. No it bloody Well isn’t ‘just like having twins’. Unless you have had twins then go on to have 2 singletons 1 year apart then you will never know what it is like having twins. Just as I will never know what having 2 children very close in age feels like. Both come with their own set of bonuses and Both come with their own set of negatives. You will never know the heart wrenching feeling of picking one crying starving child over the other crying starving child. You will never know what it is like to try and juggle 2 colicky babies at the one time. You will never know what it is like to be trapped like a prisoner in your own home for weeks on end because when they become mobile it is near physically impossible to take the twins anywhere on your own, as they will inevitably decide to run in 2 opposite directions at the one time and be of an age where they don’t know what stop means or worse, they are an age where they just choose to ignore you. I can’t say one scenario is harder than the other as I haven’t experienced Both, but do you do what? It isn’t a competition to see who the most hard done by mother is. Although some women seem to thrive on competitive agendas. I will never know what it is like to be pregnant whilst caring for a young child, I will never know what it is like to attempt to entertain 2 children who are a year or so apart in development. Maybe as a community of mothers we could try and support each other rather than tear each other down.
Are they natural? / Do Twins run in your family?
Oh dear god! Where to start with this one. I personally don’t have an issue with people asking if twins run in the family but a stranger is pretty much asking you about your sex life and fertility status. The ‘are they natural?’ I always wanted to say ‘no, actually my boys are plastic, but thanks for asking.’ Would you approach a stranger of a singleton and ask if the baby was natural? Or even conceived ‘naturally’? No, you wouldn’t because it would be downright rude. Back in 2015 Elton John called for a boycott of fashion house Dolce & Gabbana after the designers labelled children born via IVF ‘synthetic’. My boys were only around 3 weeks old when this hit the press and to say I was disgusted was an understatement. How dare anyone criticise these miracle babies worldwide. I truly believe the children conceived with the help of fertility treatments are miracles as they most likely would not have been born if it wasn’t for the advances of science. Yet, if it were up to them they would deny millions of people the chance to become families due to them feeling it is synthetic. No pal, I think you will find it is the material you use on the runway that is synthetic, not my children who are very much real flesh and blood.
I have always been very open with family, friends, work colleagues and the odd stranger about my fertility journey but most people are not like me. Most people like to keep their personal business to themselves. So what gives people the right to ask such personal questions? I can understand that twins and higher ordered multiples bring out the curiosity in people, even though there are more multiple births documented now than ever before is partly down to the advances in science and the availability of fertility treatment. However, the rise in multiple births could also to be attributed to older mums. Many women do not have their children now until much later in life, this can be due to many reasons, however, nature likes to throw a curve ball and if your older than 35 you are more likely to conceive twins because your body has produced 2 eggs in the same monthly cycle. In 2006, almost 5% of births in women over the age of 35 were twins and this increases to 20% for women over the age of 45. Comparatively, only 2% of women aged 20-24 had twins without the support of fertility treatments.
“So no more babies for you then?’
As it turns out I personally do not have a choice with this one due to the afore mentioned fertility issues, in saying that, if I could afford private fertility treatment I would go for it. I would love a bigger family. In society nowadays it is assumed if you have 2 children that your automatically done procreating. Especially, if you have 1 boy and 1 girl. Not even a generation ago bigger families were the social norm. My husband is the youngest of 7 kids with both his parents also coming from large families. I don’t know how we got to a point where seeing a family of 3 or more children is now considered large. Who has the right to say how many children any one family should have? Again, I go back to it is no ones damn business other than the couple that is having the family. There is no magic number of children to clock up to to get the perfect family.
“Twins? I couldn’t imagine anything worse/I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy!’
Cant believe I actually had to write this one down. I have had this said to me by strangers on more than one occasion as have the majority of my twin mum friends. Now for the rest of my points above I could say the strangers were genuinely well meaning and didn’t intend for their comment or question to come across as malicious but with this one??? How else am I or any other twin mum supposed to take it? It’s the hardest job I will ever do in my life, but it is the most satisfying job in the world. Just when you think you have reached your breaking point and can’t possibly take anymore crying, sleepless nights, double sickness bugs and the like those 2 wee innocent faces will look up at you with all the love they have in the world and it will melt even the coldest of hearts into a big bowl of mush. Just one look can do this to you. You have no idea how many times a tiny smile or hug has brought me back from the brink of despair. These closed minded folk don’t deserve the love and happiness that twins can bring into your life. They don’t have what it takes to be undercover superheroes. 😂😂😂
Scottish Twin Mamma